Moments of Clarity

So, Im here again. I have moments when I realize, "You know what I'm not that bad" Moments where there is a weird peace upon me and I feel like no matter what I'll be okay. Right now although I'm not in a perfect place. Im okay with that because I know it will come. Its about time. I paid my dues. I have to believe that the universe will bring me my happiness. For now I have to be content with what I have. Little by little the world is revealing itself to me and I am understanding myself more. That itself is wonderful gift that I hope to expand more.

Here we go again...

So since my last post a lot has gone down. Some good some bad. But all are learning experiences. I found someone who wanted to try and deal with my crazy antics but he wasn't the one I wanted to let into my madness. He tried and i guess I give him a point for trying but sorry it just wasn't right. Believe me when i tell you I tried. I kept telling myself I was the problem but I wasn't. This time it wasn't me!. Like i said I appreciate the experience and the story but we can move on now. My prince is still out there. Until we meet, I will try to better myself and grow more. So that when i finally meet him I will be ready to accept him and he will be ready to accept me. Enough about the same old story about me trying to find love. Something new has happened. Im back in school and I will finish it! I'm meeting great new people and learning so much. This is my next chapter, hope its a good one.

...Dont get your hopes up

So what do you do when you say you want it SO bad yet when you get it. You're scared. What do I do with it? Will I break it and will it ruin everything. Pandora's Box. I'm scared. What if I cant handle it, what if I fail and fall HARD. What if I'm not good enough. I realize these are insecurities. But its all I know. I need to push. Get into the unknown. It may be better then where I am now. If I don't I'll live with what ifs forever. I hate the fucking what ifs.... They torment me. I need to be strong but can you handle this crazy nut job?. Can you handle my Pandora's box? Can I handle yours? I DON'T KNOW!!!!. I do this all the time. Jump ahead but its not me its my head. My head that shuts down when theres a possibility because possibility means potential happiness and we cant have that? Yeah self sabotage that's the best kind... I want to talk to someone who can handle this mess. Be honest for once in my life. Can I be honest? Is that in me? Will I finally break down my walls and take a peek? I hope so. If not I'll be behind this wall forever. While the parade passes by me. All this sounds ridiculous to me when I look at it. Dear God, Sorry to bother you can you send me instructions on how to handle this box with care? Or am I asking to much? At least give me the strength to deal with it.

Proud

People are proud of me? How did that happen? Wow. I made a big change and I'm happy. Yet I still need to do more. Living is finally fun. I'm here to stay. Thanks for having me. I need to leave some of my old habits behind. I need to get moving again, be on my game. Go as far as I know I can go. Push it to the limit. I can do it. I can achieve greatness. Its in my hands. All i need to do is to take it and use that greatness for something positive. Sleep is time wasted doing nothing when I could be brainstorming on new ideas and on my views of life. Thanks God. You gave me a great gift. The gift of seeing things from a different point of view. Some may not get me and many may call me crazy. But I know I'm not. I'm just not cut the way everyone else is. And at first I resented that. I hated it and wanted to wish it away. But now I embrace it and love it. I have dreamed my life in my head and now its time to make it happen. It will happen. I don't know how or when but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that I believe in it and that I myself feel that happiness now. Living the life I made for myself. I created this. I made this moment. With the help of God and the ones who made it their mission to make it happen for me. I'm here. Living and Proud of it.

Here in my room

I have a choice. Give up something that makes me happy now but harms and ruins my future or Quit it and in the long run I will be really truly happy. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to be dreamt of. I feel like my addiction is holding me back from everything I want. A simple addiction that to others seems like nothing but to me its killing me. Killing me and my future dreams, my future child and the person I know I can and deserve to be. Such a simple yet hard decision. I know the answer yet how do i tell that to my brain. The almighty brain that controls my every move. The brain that saves me yet kills me all at the same time. Sometimes its better to be blind to everything and just be naive. Your world is more peaceful. You don't see it like I do. Its a curse and a blessing. Because I know so much that you would be killed if you stepped into my brain. you would be run over by the mad bulls that are running towards where i want to be. The knowledge that no book could ever bring you. In the end this isn't about you. Its about me. Me and my life, me and my future self. Me and my future family that i have dreamt of and scrutinized to the death. The picture perfect one. That is waiting for me on the other side of this nightmare. The one that will kill my loneliness. The one and only thing that keeps me going.

If you knew

If you knew everything that runs through my head you would be scared and entertained.
Trust me.
If you knew how I felt about it. You would say "Really?"
But no one will ever get it 100%
but they would be number 1 in my book for even giving a damn.
My book has been filled with Love, hate and illusions. Which one are you?

Life through my eyes

Here I am. There you are. This time around last year. I was a whole different person. I had a whole different mind. I hated everything and everyone. I hated the way people talked I hated the way everyone was Alive inside. 1 year later here I am a new Women. I say that with pride. A year ago you would have asked me who I was I would have said "An empty soul" Now I say I am a person with lots of things to say and not afraid to say it. The "drugs" helped. It helped a lot. But the drugs took me as far as I was willing to go. I decided to go all the way. This is me now. A new beginning. A second chance. The chance to be everything I ever dreamn't of when i was a child in my little room full of spice girls posters and all my little stickers. I would have never guessed how my life would be in a few years. But life isn't always what you dream. It takes unexpected turns. Its up to you to get back on track. I'm looking for someone to understand an appreciate how complicated I am and to love how weird I am. Anyone who makes a joke out of pure and true emotions has an issue bigger than what ever that person is feeling. I have learned that. Yes you may laugh and call me "emo" as the kids say. I dont care. I have things to say. Hate it or Love it. I dont care. I will not let a day go by where I will not express what I am passionate about that day. If I die everyone will know who I truly was. Not some made up character who was to afraid to speak their mind because they were afraid of people not agreeing with them or because they felt their feelings were a joke and something that should remain hidden deep inside. This is who I am. I love it and hate it. But I cant change it.