There is a difference.

There is a difference between being in love and being in love with the idea of love. I struggle with that. I sometime just think ok this is it. When really all it was, was an illusion that my mind created. I snap out of it and realize that this isn't a fairy tale. You don't always get your happy ending. I sometimes try to force myself to feel a certain way because I feel that if I don't then there will be no other chance. There will be. I just long for that feeling that I get it confused with other feelings. This has always been my battle. I have faith that one day it wont be an illusion. No more guessing. No more confusion. No more wishing. Maybe all this time spent wishing and hoping can be spent on me getting my sanity back. First let me look at myself and make ME a better person. Someone who knows what they want. Thought after thought. I often wonder why I haven't gone insane already. Its because even though I have those thoughts there is a little bit of something in me that is holding on. Its getting stronger and stronger. This world is strange to me. I try to see the good in people. Even when all everyone else sees is the bad. I sometimes hate that because truthfully some people are just plain evil. I'm sad to say that. Or maybe in their minds they are the good and we are the bad. I know I just throw thoughts out there because I write it as I think about it. Everything written just popped up like a damn spam ad. Thats my life. A life full of spam adds. One random thing after the other

I'll claim Insanity

Yeah applying to college. A step I have waited for all my life. I love my city. I take pictures of everything that catches my eye. Photography is my outlet. I get peace from it. To capture a moment that will never return again. Life is good.

If you knew

If you knew everything that runs through my head you would be scared and entertained.
Trust me.
If you knew how I felt about it. You would say "Really?"
But no one will ever get it 100%
but they would be number 1 in my book for even giving a damn.
My book has been filled with Love, hate and illusions. Which one are you?

Life through my eyes

Here I am. There you are. This time around last year. I was a whole different person. I had a whole different mind. I hated everything and everyone. I hated the way people talked I hated the way everyone was Alive inside. 1 year later here I am a new Women. I say that with pride. A year ago you would have asked me who I was I would have said "An empty soul" Now I say I am a person with lots of things to say and not afraid to say it. The "drugs" helped. It helped a lot. But the drugs took me as far as I was willing to go. I decided to go all the way. This is me now. A new beginning. A second chance. The chance to be everything I ever dreamn't of when i was a child in my little room full of spice girls posters and all my little stickers. I would have never guessed how my life would be in a few years. But life isn't always what you dream. It takes unexpected turns. Its up to you to get back on track. I'm looking for someone to understand an appreciate how complicated I am and to love how weird I am. Anyone who makes a joke out of pure and true emotions has an issue bigger than what ever that person is feeling. I have learned that. Yes you may laugh and call me "emo" as the kids say. I dont care. I have things to say. Hate it or Love it. I dont care. I will not let a day go by where I will not express what I am passionate about that day. If I die everyone will know who I truly was. Not some made up character who was to afraid to speak their mind because they were afraid of people not agreeing with them or because they felt their feelings were a joke and something that should remain hidden deep inside. This is who I am. I love it and hate it. But I cant change it.