Long lost love more like Dead on Arrival

What am I to do? Dont I deserve the fairytale? I know that people say they dont exist and I feel stupid for wanting it but its what I want. I need to have it. What good is materialistic things and diplomas after diploma if I cant share that with anyone.? I deserve it. I do. It sounds weird and wrong saying it but I dont think Im a horrible person. I go out of my way to help others. Yet no on comes and saves me, no one comes to save me from me and this box that im living in. the box that i have is nice and okay and safe but its not what i want. I want to get out of the box and live! live and love like never before. I dont want to be the sidekick. I want to be the superhero! I hate feeling this because ive come soo far and I never want to go back to the way I was before. I cant and wont. I worked to hard for this. But a person can feel sad sometimes. and boy is it coming. What to do? i have no idea. Im soo lost! Well not much to do... but do what I always do. Keep on moving. Keep on working at my goals and just keep on living. Live and just watch it all go by. Watch the boat sail into the sunset without me.

Proud

People are proud of me? How did that happen? Wow. I made a big change and I'm happy. Yet I still need to do more. Living is finally fun. I'm here to stay. Thanks for having me. I need to leave some of my old habits behind. I need to get moving again, be on my game. Go as far as I know I can go. Push it to the limit. I can do it. I can achieve greatness. Its in my hands. All i need to do is to take it and use that greatness for something positive. Sleep is time wasted doing nothing when I could be brainstorming on new ideas and on my views of life. Thanks God. You gave me a great gift. The gift of seeing things from a different point of view. Some may not get me and many may call me crazy. But I know I'm not. I'm just not cut the way everyone else is. And at first I resented that. I hated it and wanted to wish it away. But now I embrace it and love it. I have dreamed my life in my head and now its time to make it happen. It will happen. I don't know how or when but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that I believe in it and that I myself feel that happiness now. Living the life I made for myself. I created this. I made this moment. With the help of God and the ones who made it their mission to make it happen for me. I'm here. Living and Proud of it.

Here in my room

I have a choice. Give up something that makes me happy now but harms and ruins my future or Quit it and in the long run I will be really truly happy. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to be dreamt of. I feel like my addiction is holding me back from everything I want. A simple addiction that to others seems like nothing but to me its killing me. Killing me and my future dreams, my future child and the person I know I can and deserve to be. Such a simple yet hard decision. I know the answer yet how do i tell that to my brain. The almighty brain that controls my every move. The brain that saves me yet kills me all at the same time. Sometimes its better to be blind to everything and just be naive. Your world is more peaceful. You don't see it like I do. Its a curse and a blessing. Because I know so much that you would be killed if you stepped into my brain. you would be run over by the mad bulls that are running towards where i want to be. The knowledge that no book could ever bring you. In the end this isn't about you. Its about me. Me and my life, me and my future self. Me and my future family that i have dreamt of and scrutinized to the death. The picture perfect one. That is waiting for me on the other side of this nightmare. The one that will kill my loneliness. The one and only thing that keeps me going.

Cleaning at night

I love cleaning at night. I guess cause I don't sleep. My room is clean now and I feel way better.
Some people think they are so smart and they try to let everyone know. They go out of their way to prove that to you and any one that will listen. Why? whats that about? In the end they end up sounding stupid. Instead of telling us what you know, show us. Be productive. Help someone out.

Drop a heart

I've been good. I'm majoring in Mental Health. Im gonna try and understand myself better and you better. Hopefully I can be happy with that. Lots of things going on with friends. Helping as much as I can.