Moments of Clarity

So, Im here again. I have moments when I realize, "You know what I'm not that bad" Moments where there is a weird peace upon me and I feel like no matter what I'll be okay. Right now although I'm not in a perfect place. Im okay with that because I know it will come. Its about time. I paid my dues. I have to believe that the universe will bring me my happiness. For now I have to be content with what I have. Little by little the world is revealing itself to me and I am understanding myself more. That itself is wonderful gift that I hope to expand more.

Here we go again...

So since my last post a lot has gone down. Some good some bad. But all are learning experiences. I found someone who wanted to try and deal with my crazy antics but he wasn't the one I wanted to let into my madness. He tried and i guess I give him a point for trying but sorry it just wasn't right. Believe me when i tell you I tried. I kept telling myself I was the problem but I wasn't. This time it wasn't me!. Like i said I appreciate the experience and the story but we can move on now. My prince is still out there. Until we meet, I will try to better myself and grow more. So that when i finally meet him I will be ready to accept him and he will be ready to accept me. Enough about the same old story about me trying to find love. Something new has happened. Im back in school and I will finish it! I'm meeting great new people and learning so much. This is my next chapter, hope its a good one.

...Dont get your hopes up

So what do you do when you say you want it SO bad yet when you get it. You're scared. What do I do with it? Will I break it and will it ruin everything. Pandora's Box. I'm scared. What if I cant handle it, what if I fail and fall HARD. What if I'm not good enough. I realize these are insecurities. But its all I know. I need to push. Get into the unknown. It may be better then where I am now. If I don't I'll live with what ifs forever. I hate the fucking what ifs.... They torment me. I need to be strong but can you handle this crazy nut job?. Can you handle my Pandora's box? Can I handle yours? I DON'T KNOW!!!!. I do this all the time. Jump ahead but its not me its my head. My head that shuts down when theres a possibility because possibility means potential happiness and we cant have that? Yeah self sabotage that's the best kind... I want to talk to someone who can handle this mess. Be honest for once in my life. Can I be honest? Is that in me? Will I finally break down my walls and take a peek? I hope so. If not I'll be behind this wall forever. While the parade passes by me. All this sounds ridiculous to me when I look at it. Dear God, Sorry to bother you can you send me instructions on how to handle this box with care? Or am I asking to much? At least give me the strength to deal with it.

Long lost love more like Dead on Arrival

What am I to do? Dont I deserve the fairytale? I know that people say they dont exist and I feel stupid for wanting it but its what I want. I need to have it. What good is materialistic things and diplomas after diploma if I cant share that with anyone.? I deserve it. I do. It sounds weird and wrong saying it but I dont think Im a horrible person. I go out of my way to help others. Yet no on comes and saves me, no one comes to save me from me and this box that im living in. the box that i have is nice and okay and safe but its not what i want. I want to get out of the box and live! live and love like never before. I dont want to be the sidekick. I want to be the superhero! I hate feeling this because ive come soo far and I never want to go back to the way I was before. I cant and wont. I worked to hard for this. But a person can feel sad sometimes. and boy is it coming. What to do? i have no idea. Im soo lost! Well not much to do... but do what I always do. Keep on moving. Keep on working at my goals and just keep on living. Live and just watch it all go by. Watch the boat sail into the sunset without me.

Proud

People are proud of me? How did that happen? Wow. I made a big change and I'm happy. Yet I still need to do more. Living is finally fun. I'm here to stay. Thanks for having me. I need to leave some of my old habits behind. I need to get moving again, be on my game. Go as far as I know I can go. Push it to the limit. I can do it. I can achieve greatness. Its in my hands. All i need to do is to take it and use that greatness for something positive. Sleep is time wasted doing nothing when I could be brainstorming on new ideas and on my views of life. Thanks God. You gave me a great gift. The gift of seeing things from a different point of view. Some may not get me and many may call me crazy. But I know I'm not. I'm just not cut the way everyone else is. And at first I resented that. I hated it and wanted to wish it away. But now I embrace it and love it. I have dreamed my life in my head and now its time to make it happen. It will happen. I don't know how or when but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that I believe in it and that I myself feel that happiness now. Living the life I made for myself. I created this. I made this moment. With the help of God and the ones who made it their mission to make it happen for me. I'm here. Living and Proud of it.

Here in my room

I have a choice. Give up something that makes me happy now but harms and ruins my future or Quit it and in the long run I will be really truly happy. All I ever wanted was to be loved and to be dreamt of. I feel like my addiction is holding me back from everything I want. A simple addiction that to others seems like nothing but to me its killing me. Killing me and my future dreams, my future child and the person I know I can and deserve to be. Such a simple yet hard decision. I know the answer yet how do i tell that to my brain. The almighty brain that controls my every move. The brain that saves me yet kills me all at the same time. Sometimes its better to be blind to everything and just be naive. Your world is more peaceful. You don't see it like I do. Its a curse and a blessing. Because I know so much that you would be killed if you stepped into my brain. you would be run over by the mad bulls that are running towards where i want to be. The knowledge that no book could ever bring you. In the end this isn't about you. Its about me. Me and my life, me and my future self. Me and my future family that i have dreamt of and scrutinized to the death. The picture perfect one. That is waiting for me on the other side of this nightmare. The one that will kill my loneliness. The one and only thing that keeps me going.

Cleaning at night

I love cleaning at night. I guess cause I don't sleep. My room is clean now and I feel way better.
Some people think they are so smart and they try to let everyone know. They go out of their way to prove that to you and any one that will listen. Why? whats that about? In the end they end up sounding stupid. Instead of telling us what you know, show us. Be productive. Help someone out.